You shouldn’t, but you still do. It’s all you look forward to in your life nowadays. Why shouldn’t you be happy? You’ve dealt with a lot of shit in your life. Don’t you deserve it? It’s not your fault that he’s the only one who can make you happy. Why does the happiness of others always have to come before yours?  ”Why do I have to stop?”

Finally, it’s what you’ve been waiting for. The day when his family leaves and he has the house all to himself. Just for you and him. You’ve known about this for awhile. How could you not? He tells you everything, he calls you all the time. You love how much he cares, that he is always there to listen. He’s the keeper to all your secrets, even the ones your own blood relatives don’t know. You’re looking forward to him. His body heat warming you from your fingertips through to your toes. Not his voice going through an impersonal phone line telling you his most personal thoughts, but him laying next to you inbetween the sheets where you don’t have to hide your feelings. Where there is no judgement but only your love pent up over time exchanged in moments of passion, even if it is forbidden.

Its 1AM and you have people waiting for you at home, but you don’t care. “His bed is my home.” His arms are your home. It doesn’t matter that in times other then these few, someone else is in your exact place. In fact you think you can still smell a hint of her shampoo. These stolen moments are precious and the memories are what keep you going. You know you shouldn’t stay, but you can’t bring yourself to leave. You send a quick text to let them know not to expect you until morning. They know what’s happening, it’s obvious. You won’t admit it though, let them draw their own conclusions. No one needs to know what happens behind those closed doors except for you and him. It’s your secret and though it won’t last, why change now? 

How fast a month pasts. You hate how you feel afterwards but it’s alright. You’re used to it by now. After all it’s been years since you’ve first took part in this. He was a long lost friend who showed up at the right time in your life and you were so alone. You needed companionship, support and he was there to offer it. You were hesitant at first, taking little steps. What would your family think? This is wrong. 

He invites you over to dinner, says there are presents. You shouldn’t go but you don’t want to seem rude. You show up to this place you ventured many times before. In fact you even helped him move in. He opens the door and seems excited to see you. Almost as though he hasn’t seen you in ages. His wife comes out of the kitchen and gives you a hug. You ask how was her trip. “Did the kids enjoy it too?” You stay for dinner and listen to her many stories of her month long summer vacation. You thank her kids for the gifts they picked out specifically for you. Nobody seems suspicious of anything, after all you’re a family friend. They know you. They have no idea. 

He walks you out to your car because it’s a bad neighborhood. At first you politely decline, but he insists. She insists. You thank his wife for the meal and the gifts, say goodbye to his kids, and head out into the cold with him. You reach your car and you mentally kick yourself for not parking farther. He opens the door for you and before you pull away, he leans in for a kiss. You’re in his neighborhood, and someone could recognize him. You know you shouldn’t, but you still do. 

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